KW

Jack Flash – How to Digitally Erase Your Life

It’s you last day at your job.  There will either be tears of joy, or security escorting you out for the 80’s porn you downloaded a week ago. Regardless of what it may be, you have to do something very important: back up all your shit and securely clear your computer and here’s how:

 

Back It Up

So you’re a complete jackass and you got fired, now what? The first step, backup anything important like, PDFs for insider trading, photos to use against your boss when he doesn’t give you the severance that you deserve, and lastly, your resume – gawd forbid you have to endure re-write another one of those again (fml). Pretty much anything that u can’t live without.

 

I like to use a USB stick, mainly because it makes me feel like a Russian spy! But also because they can come cheap and you can bypass security with it since it’s small and can fit right into your pocket or any orifice on your body, all you need is the storage capacity of 2GB or 4GB at least. Another option for basic tasks is cloud computing like Google Drive, Dropbox, or OneDrive – the things that make you go, “hmmm…” Just make sure you’re using a personal account and not one tied to your old job (duhhh). If you have a shit load of data, than use an external hard drive.

If you’re a good Samaritan, than make sure whatever it is that you’re saving is your own work, god forbid you get thrown in jail for attempted insider trading.

Since you won’t have access to your company’s email server when you leave. If there are important emails or contacts you need to keep possession of, forward them to your personal email.

 

Check USB Slots

Make sure to check all your USB slots. Any cables pertaining to your phone, USB sticks, peripherals, and anything belonging to you! Or else you can potentially be the butt of everyone’s joke.

 

Shut Down Your Voicemail

Nothing screams “loser” more than recording and deleting and re-recording your work voice mail. I just hate the sound of my voice. However, record a new outgoing message saying you’ve left the company, and direct all callers to you arch-enemy at work (hehe). Finally, delete all the messages from your voicemail inbox.

 

Shut Down Your Email

If you use a desktop email client (that does not run in the browser), delete everything in all of your inboxes, then log out. However, note to self: logging out may involve deleting your account in the email client’s settings. Make sure, that before you delete any old emails, it’s within your company’s policies to do so. Some jobs require communications to be saved for months or years, regardless of whether you’re still there. By not complying this can get you in some serious legal shit.

 

Wipe Your Computer

Once you have taken all necessary steps and you have full access and permissions to do whatever the hell you wanna do with your computer, wipe that baby clean! But after you’ve backed everything up of course, and when you’re ready to throw in the towel.

Just a forewarning, this could take a couple of hours, so plan ahead, grab yourself a vodka soda, put your feet up and relax…

Note: If you are using a Mac, you can wipe your computer by reinstalling Mac OS X. Apple has clear instructions on how to do this in its support center.